Choices » Adoption

The 9 Most-Asked Questions About Birthfathers’ Rights and Responsibilities

1. Are home pregnancy tests reliable? How can we find out if she is really pregnant?
Home pregnancy tests are generally accurate, but your girlfriend should come to the Center or see a doctor to be sure.

2. My girlfriend is pregnant and won’t discuss her plans. How can I get her to include me?
Your girlfriend may exclude you from her decision because she feels hurt and angry. You may need to reassure her that you care about her and the baby. If you are sensitive to her needs, she will be more likely to involve you in future plans. If it is mutually agreeable, a support person at the Center can meet with each of you to help you make plans for your future.

3. Just because my girlfriend and I stopped seeing each other doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my baby. She says if I want the baby, she comes along too. How do I handle this?
While it takes two people to start a relationship, it only takes one to end it. We can help you work together and make a plan that takes care of the baby, even if the two of you can’t agree on anything else. The more communications there is between you, the fewer complications there will be in your child’s life.

4. The baby is my flesh and blood. How can I convince my girlfriend not to get an abortion?
You are wise to be concerned about abortion. A woman usually makes the difficult decision to have an abortion because she is afraid to face the pregnancy or to raise the child alone, especially if she doesn’t feel supported by her family or you. Abortion may seem to be a quick, painless way of dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. However, abortions can leave long-lasting emotional scars, as well as possible physical problems. Abortion ends the life of an unborn child and may cause you and your girlfriend to experience feelings of grief, loss, and guilt. As the baby’s father you have no legal means of interfering with an abortion, but you can encourage your girlfriend to talk to a support person about it.

5. I want to be involved with my child, but I’m not ready to parent. What are my choices?
It is very painful to realize you are not ready to parent at this time. Marriage is an option; however you must evaluate whether you would have married if the baby had not been conceived. If the baby’s mother decides to parent and has custody, you can request visitation so you can be involved in your child’s life. You and the child’s mother may also consider adoption and together make a plan for your baby’s future.

6. Will I get to see my child if he or she is adopted?
You can make arrangements to see your baby before the adoption. Both you and the birthmother may want to spend time with your child. In an open adoption, you can meet the adoptive family, write a letter to your child explaining your thoughts and feelings, and give a gift to your child. You can also request that photographs of your child be sent to you. The degree of openness in an adoption plan depends on the birthparents wishes and must be agreed upon in advance by the adoptive parents.

7. Will my child know anything about me?
You will be asked to give the complete medical and social history of you and your family. We strongly urge you to tell your child about yourself through a note, photograph, or an audio or videotape. Your life story is a great gift to your child.

8. If adopted, won’t my child wonder if I ever loved him or her?
Your child may have questions similar to this one. That’s why it’s so important to communicate your love through a personal letter, explaining that planning an adoption was a painful decision for you - a real sacrifice. Every child needs to feel wanted and loved from the beginning. When you know you are not ready to parent, choosing adoption means that you care enough to give your child every opportunity possible.

9. What legal rights and responsibilities will I have if my girlfriend decides to parent?
In most states, if your girlfriend chooses to parent, you are required to pay child support until the child is 18 years old. Consult with an attorney to learn more specific details about your rights and responsibilities, filing for paternity, and other legal issues.

Reprinted with permission from Bethany Christian Services. For an information packet about Bethany, call 800.613.3188 or visit us on the Web at www.bethany.org.